The post that didn’t want to be written

And maybe it’ll get deleted later.

I would rather be doing something else right now. No BS.

Anything else that moves the ball forward.

But this will definitely happen again, and I would like to remember this exactly as it was, instead of my foggy memory. So the next time it happens with larger stakes, I have some sort of foundation for sharing truthfully about the weeks that are on the opposite continuum of optimism.

Time-blocking 30 minutes this morning to flush it out. Maybe I’ll delete it later.

The TLDR: I feel like complete sh*t this week.

Motivation is the lowest it’s been, I’m frustrated with myself, and I’m currently creating fake goals to trick my brain to just keep doing something.

Quick jot-down of the facts, why I’m frustrated, and things I would like to remember (not necessarily commit to). No “I will do X”s today.

The facts (with as few embellishments as possible)

• Walked back on my own words and decided to change ideas. I realized there was no real demand for the future I proposed.

• What I previously thought were validated demands were in truth just requests for a more customizable version of Nike Run Club (less buggy, better search, better filters, better integrations) rather than a real-time coach. Basically, I reality-warped those responses into validation.

• I moved very little this week and while I had good sleep, it was more because I wanted to avoid thinking about what’s next. Ouch.

Why I’m frustrated

• On principle, I hate going back on my words. Especially because I’m currently playing a game that is so disadvantaged against me, I thought my slight chance of success is in “persevering”. Logically, I think I made a calibrated decision based on what I know, but that doesn’t change the conflicting thoughts.

• I don’t understand why I was so quick to convince myself of changing ideas, and I don’t want that to happen again. I hope it’s just because the idea itself didn’t resonate with me to build 100% conviction, rather than another pandora’s box I’ll need to open later.

• Kind of feels like a waste of time? No better way to put it but despite the hours put in, I think I could’ve spent the time better (for example, actually validating a problem with an ICP, maybe pre-selling, or even traveling).

• Major imposter syndromes.

Things I would like to remember

• Maybe I should pretend I’m 18 again. I ruminated with myself and some close friends that if I get to be back in college, I would do everything in sight to try to build something, anything. But I actually CAN do all of that and more now: I actually HAVE a network of people to learn from, I DO have savings, and I DO have more time. After all, I did leave my job to do this. The only thing I don’t have is the ability to pull consecutive all-nighters.

• Maybe value leverages more. I do have the 1% leverage, or at least something close to it. I have a network with elite educated people, I should probably consider using it. My pedigree does open doors, I should probably consider what they can lead to. I speak multiple languages, it might come in handy. I love talking to people and a good amount of them seem to like me, it might play into my advantage if I did it more intentionally.

• Still learning so that’s cool. I’ve been building up and tearing down my version of knowledge, skills, and identity at a much higher rate than I ever imagined. I want to remember that learning can come from a different form than what I currently or used to believe and that’s okay. I’ll never find out if there’s a better way until I see and try it.

• Maybe less promises, lol. The irony. Case in point. I’m still on the tutorial level of this startup video game that has a hidden agenda of its own.

Here, I’ll cover plenty of mistakes, learnings, experiences and the occasional traditional “wins”.

- My bio for this blog

The blunders are here as promised, and other items are still loading.

Thanks for reading,

JZ, Aug 15, 2024

Edit: Kinda thought writing about it would make me feel better. Not really. Oh well, worth the shot I suppose.